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(First published September 2009)


I don’t want a windmill in my backyard, do you? They spoil the view and you need hundreds of them just to light one 60 watt bulb. That is when they work. Have you noticed when you see them they hardly ever seem to be turning? And when they do turn they kill birds and then the blades drop off. And they’re subsidised for goodness sake. What kind of capitalism is that? Nookla power has subsidies too, but those are the good subsidies, like the ones the coal industry gets. This money goes to sensible business people, not a bunch of muesli-munching, cardigan-knitting Luddites. These people make me sick. Don’t they know we owe everything to oil, coal and uranium? Global warming? A big So What, people. Hell, I hate the cold; a few degrees warmer sounds great to me. They say the Greenland glaciers are melting fast. They say this means London, New York City, Bangladesh and some atolls in the Pacific nobody has ever heard of will soon be underwater. Like it matters! Really, people can be sooo stoopid. The answer is ridiculously simple: We build new cities on higher ground. That means jobs, lots of jobs, especially for architects. And anyway, New York is a rat-infested shithole; drowning is the best thing that could happen to it. As for London, we’ll just move the best bits to Luton (the place already has an airport). If it was no problem to move London Bridge to the Arizona desert it will be a breeze shifting Buckingham Palace, the Tower and Big Ben a few miles up the road. We can leave the Houses of Parliament; in the new world order there won’t be any need for hot-air factories. Bangladesh? Well, a few million peasants getting a good bath is not exactly going to ruin my day. It’s not like I know any of them. And what is all this whinging about waste products? Coal-fired power stations will get scrubbers that will collect the carbon dioxide. Personally, I can’t see the point, but if it will keep those damn Mueslis quiet I guess it’ll be worth it. We can store the stuff in the same hole in the ground where we keep the plutonium we don’t need for bombs. That’s a twofer, folks. I keep hearing rabid reports about how the planet is in danger. Get… a… grip, people. Our planet is no danger whatsoever. Sure, in about 5 billion years, when the sun explodes, we’ll have something to worry about but until then we can breath easy. As for me, I’m off for a spin in my Humvee. I’ve got some windmills to tilt at.