Pisser

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(First published February 2011)

 

An English lady by the name of Wendy Lewis was awarded by The Sun newspaper last year the prestigious title of the UK’s Most Disgusting Woman.

If, in the early morning of May 7th, 2010, you happened to pass by the Cenotaph on the Promenade in Blackpool you would have been treated to the sight of Wendy pulling down her jeans, squatting and taking a piss on this monument to the city’s fallen. If you had stayed for her encore you could have seen her perform a sex act on her boyfriend. That’s sea air for you.

One of the wonderful things about modern Britain is that there are CCTV cameras absolutely everywhere. So when an alert operator spotted Wendy at work he called the police who were quickly on the scene. The officers reported that the blissed-out couple failed to notice their arrival. Understandable really; a blow-job can be very distracting.

The police questioned Wendy, who admitted to the pissing but denied the sex act. Then, having remembered that when the bobbies had turned up she was in flagrante delicto, she admitted the gobbling too. At this point the forces of order arrested her. But Wendy knew her rights and kicked PC Emma Halliwell. Twice.

This remarkable performance was all down to a sorry tale of smack and booze but it earned Wendy a conviction for outraging public decency, a 15-week suspended prison sentence and world-wide notoriety. It also earned her the outrage of veterans’ groups in the UK who felt that urinating and fellating on a war memorial was a serious insult to those who had made the ultimate sacrifice. Quite right too.

But since we are discussing insults to our war dead I would like to see the arrest of another individual whose performance has outraged millions. At the recent Chilcot Inquiry the world was treated to the sight of a former prime minister publicly pissing on the memory of those killed in the conquest of Iraq. This self-fellator claimed that while he was very sorry about all the death and destruction he was still certain that his criminal war was a jolly good thing. Why, only a few hundred thousand people had to lose their lives in exchange for bumping off Saddam.

Hats off to Tony Blair, the UK’s Most Disgusting Man.