Dear Remainers, I am sorry that you’re going to be dragged out of the EU against your will but, like it or not, this does appear to be your destiny. I’m very sad about this. This foolishness will hurt people dear to me and it’s going to be a huge pain in everybody’s arse. It’s really too bad. Once the ferries have been sorted I’ll be over to give you all a big hug and maybe bring some olives.
Dear Leavers, You’ve won! It seems the lion and the unicorn have plenty of fight in them yet. As a keen student of history I look forward to your next exciting chapter of Theresa Through the Looking-Glass. Back to Africa? A Saxon Singapore? Though, at this point, I’m so knocked about by startling developments that I can make no predictions about what happens next. It will be interesting as the English say.
Dear Europeans, It’s a bummer the Brits are leaving, I’m sorry too. This is obviously going to be a blow, not just to your economy but also for your citizens left in the lurch on Jabberwocky Island. That said, I imagine you are by now coming round to the realization that Europe really doesn’t need the UK that badly, its impressive GDP notwithstanding. Freed from Bonkers Britain and its boat-rocking you’ll be able to crack on with the business of being Europeans and make that Eurowurst a reality.
Dear Self, I wonder if my Berlin supermarket will still stock that nice Scottish Cheddar? Will I have to pay duty on my Cornish Cruncher? Is pork pie verboten?
Love, Chris xx